{"id":12448,"date":"2025-06-05T16:45:49","date_gmt":"2025-06-05T16:45:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/jewish-resources\/?p=12448"},"modified":"2025-06-05T16:45:50","modified_gmt":"2025-06-05T16:45:50","slug":"how-to-honor-difficult-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/jewish-resources\/how-to-honor-difficult-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Honor Difficult Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>My parents are constantly negative, critical, and full of complaints. I know it\u2019s a mitzvah to honor them, but every time I speak to them or visit, it is very painful. What should I do?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\"><strong>Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">A Common but Painful Struggle<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>This is a very difficult question\u2014and unfortunately one that is not uncommon. Many people today struggle with complicated, often painful relationships with their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Start with Self-Reflection<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The truth is, the issue isn\u2019t always with the parents. At times, it\u2019s the children who are the source of problems within the relationship. Before focusing on how to \u201cdeal\u201d with your parents, take a step back and make an honest assessment. Are you contributing to the tension in any way? Is there something you can change or improve from your end?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Weight of the Mitzvah<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>That said, even if you are doing nothing wrong, and it\u2019s your parents who are the source of the problem, you still need to be extremely careful not to respond in a disrespectful way. The mitzvah of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/jewish-resources\/parshat-kedoshim-not-just-a-little-favor\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Kibbud Av Va\u2019Eim\u2014honoring one\u2019s parents<\/a>\u2014is very great, and one must go to great lengths to fulfill it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Powerful Stories from Our Sages<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Indeed, the Gemara (Kiddushin <a href=\"https:\/\/library.alhatorah.org\/?r1=Bavli_Kiddushin_31b&amp;s1=2\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">31b<\/a>) tells us that Rabbi Tarfon was exemplary in this mitzvah, and would even crouch down when his mother needed to get into or out of bed, so that she could step on him. But when he later related this to the other sages, they were not impressed. They told him: \u201cYou haven\u2019t even reached half the obligation. Has she ever thrown your wallet into the sea and you refrained from shaming her?\u201d Even that level of restraint is part of the mitzvah!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Furthermore, the Gemara (ibid <a href=\"https:\/\/library.alhatorah.org\/?r1=Bavli_Kiddushin_31a&amp;s1=2\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">31a<\/a>) recounts that Rav Dimi was once sitting among the Roman nobility, dressed in an elegant gold-embroidered cloak, when his mother suddenly came over, ripped the cloak off\u00a0 him, struck him on the head, and spat in his face. Still, he did not shame her in return.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Respond with Restraint<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>So as difficult as it is, you must bite your tongue and resist the urge to respond harshly or disrespectfully to your parents. Remember this fundamental truth: they brought you into this world. Even if they did nothing else for you, without them you would not be here, and that alone commands your respect and gratitude, regardless of their flaws or behavior. Moreover, in most cases, they endured a lot while raising you, and you should think about all the challenges, frustrations, and headaches that come along with raising children. Now it\u2019s your turn to give back, and do what you have to do by honoring them, even if it hurts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">A Higher Perspective<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s also helpful to remember the message of the Sefer HaChinuch regarding bearing grudges: that everything a person experiences\u2014good or bad, including emotional pain\u2014comes from Hashem, and the one who causes the hurt is merely His messenger. This perspective can make it easier to accept the difficulties you face with your parents, and to continue honoring them without becoming overwhelmed by their negativity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Reward According to the Struggle<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, we must also remember (Avot <a href=\"https:\/\/library.alhatorah.org\/?r1=Mishna_Avot_5:23&amp;s1=2\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">5:23<\/a>) \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/jewish-resources\/suffering-from-doing-a-mitzvah\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Lefum tza\u2019ara agra\u2014reward is according to the pain<\/a>.\u201d The more difficult a mitzvah is to perform, and the more we struggle and suffer to fulfill it, the greater the mitzvah is\u2014and the greater the reward we will ultimately merit for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">When Distance Is the Right Choice<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>However, if the situation feels unmanageable and you are having a hard time controlling yourself, it may be appropriate\u2014following guidance from a halachic authority\u2014to create some distance by limiting visits or conversations. Constantly clashing and repeatedly violating the mitzvah benefits no one. Choosing to step back in this way is a responsible and Torah-guided response. The Torah does not want us to throw ourselves into spiritual danger and simply hope we\u2019ll manage, but rather to safeguard our spiritual well-being in the best way possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">In Short: Respect, Even When It Hurts<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>You must always show respect. Remember what your parents did for you\u2014bringing you into the world and raising you. If necessary, with halachic guidance you can limit your interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button tm-cta\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/sign-up.php\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Learn more about the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va&#8217;Eim with a TorahMate. Sign up for a weekly learning partner today!<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>Have another question to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.oorah.org\/asktherabbi\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">ask a rabbi<\/a>? You can ask Rabbi Mintz your own question at&nbsp;<a href=\"mailto:asktherabbi@oorah.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">asktherabbi@oorah.org<\/a>, or head to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.oorah.org\/asktherabbi\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">oorah.org\/asktherabbi\/<\/a> to watch the latest Q&amp;As or join&nbsp;Ask the Rabbi Live, Tuesdays at 9PM ET.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz My parents are constantly negative, critical, and full of complaints. I know it\u2019s a mitzvah to honor them, but every time I speak [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":12459,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"sfsi_plus_gutenberg_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_show_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_type":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_alignemt":"","sfsi_plus_gutenburg_max_per_row":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[598,702,8,701,2,40,695],"tags":[13],"class_list":["post-12448","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ask-the-rabbi","category-jewish-philosophy","category-judaism-101","category-mitzvot","category-shabbat-and-holidays","category-shavuos","category-torah-study","tag-articles"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Honor Difficult Parents - Jewish Resources<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Struggling to honor negative parents? 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