{"id":12577,"date":"2025-06-13T15:48:34","date_gmt":"2025-06-13T15:48:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/jewish-resources\/?p=12577"},"modified":"2025-06-13T15:49:14","modified_gmt":"2025-06-13T15:49:14","slug":"how-to-avoid-gossip-and-handle-gossipers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.torahmates.org\/jewish-resources\/how-to-avoid-gossip-and-handle-gossipers\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Avoid Gossip and Handle Gossipers"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

I\u2019m trying to avoid hearing lashon hara<\/a><\/em> (evil talk), but one of my friends is always gossiping! Also, whenever I go to a social event, or even just a Shabbat meal<\/a> together with friends, the conversation inevitably turns to gossip. I don\u2019t want to create tension or damage friendships\u2014but I also don\u2019t want to just sit there and listen. What can I do?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are no simple solutions in these situations, but there are a few strategies that may help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even Listening Is Forbidden<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Before we start, it\u2019s important to realize that not only is speaking or accepting lashon hara<\/em> forbidden, but as the Chofetz Chaim<\/em> teaches (Hilchot Lashon Hara 6:2), in most situations, even passively listening to it is prohibited.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Avoid Gossip with a Friend<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to a friend, the best thing you can do is to make him your TorahMate<\/a> and learn the Chofetz Chaim\u2019s books on lashon hara<\/em> together. He presents the laws of lashon hara<\/em>, as well as the dangers and harm that come with speaking it, in a clear and compelling way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your friend is not ready for that type of study, you can still\u2014kindly and gently\u2014explain to him that we can\u2019t gossip. Every Jew knows the principle \u201cLove your fellow as yourself,\u201d and since no one wants to be the subject of gossip, he shouldn\u2019t be gossiping about others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All Jews are children of Hashem, making us like one large family. Just as we wouldn\u2019t speak badly about our own family, we shouldn\u2019t speak lashon hara <\/em>about our fellow Jews. It\u2019s very likely that, instead of being offended, your friend will appreciate the idea and respond positively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Strategies for Social Events<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Social gatherings pose a greater challenge, as it becomes harder to influence the situation when more people are involved. The Chofetz Chaim\u2019s approach in these situations was to do a lot of the talking, taking control of the conversation so that there was no opportunity for any lashon hara to be spoken. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can try a similar approach\u2014steer the conversation away from gossip by changing the topic, putting on music, or encouraging someone to say a few words of Torah. At the Shabbat table, you can interrupt the gossip by singing zemirot<\/em> (Shabbat meal songs)<\/a>, and make sure to come prepared with engaging topics to keep the conversation positive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Steering Doesn\u2019t Work<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If this isn\u2019t possible, say in a kind way that gossiping is prohibited, and encourage shifting the conversation to more uplifting topics instead. Hopefully, people will be receptive, but even if you get some laughs or remarks like \u201cstop being so religious,\u201d remember, our rabbis teach us that performing a mitzvah in the face of mockery brings a hundred times more reward than an ordinary mitzvah. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, the very first Rema in Orach Chaim teaches that a person should not be embarrassed by those who ridicule him for serving Hashem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hosting Gives You Control<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s much easier to manage when you\u2019re the host\u2014it\u2019s your event and you set the tone: \u201cat this party, we don\u2019t gossip.\u201d But even as a guest you’re not powerless. Even if you can\u2019t control the conversation, you can still subtly show your discomfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You might quietly excuse yourself and step out of the room. Or consider mentioning to the host, in a respectful way, that if the gatherings involve so much gossip, you won\u2019t be able to continue attending. This may encourage the host to take a stronger stance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Short: How to Avoid Gossip Effectively<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Try learning the laws of lashon hara with your friend. If that\u2019s not realistic, gently remind him that we must love our fellow Jew and not speak badly about anyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At social events, try to steer the conversation to a better topic, encourage people not to gossip, and show your disapproval if they continue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
Learn more about the laws of Lashon Hara with a TorahMate. Sign up for a weekly learning partner today!<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Have another question to ask a rabbi<\/a>? You can ask Rabbi Mintz your own question at asktherabbi@oorah.org<\/a>, or head to oorah.org\/asktherabbi\/<\/a> to watch the latest Q&As or join Ask the Rabbi Live, Tuesdays at 9PM ET.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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