Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz:
My children often complain that they don’t have what “all” their friends or neighbors have. Whether they want the latest gadget or the another vacation — things I feel are not appropriate or not affordable for us. What can I do to help my children and the adults, deal with this peer pressure?
Common Problem
It is important to realize that, in the world we live in, this is quite a common phenomenon, and parents deal with this all the time. The first thing you must know is that, more often than not, it is not really true that all — or even most of — the friends and neighbors have it. It’s just that the hype created by the few who do have it creates the illusion or the feeling that everyone has it. But even if others do really have something that your child doesn’t, you can still emphasize the positive.
Show your children all the good things they do have in life and all the nice places they do go. Although “the grass is always greener on the other side,” it is quite possible that, in many ways, your children are the ones who have a better life. And, if necessary, you can compensate for their “lack” with other items or trips that do fit your budget and lifestyle.
The Torah Mindset
If your children are a little older, you should share with them the Torah-true perspective, and help them appreciate that there is no reason to gauge their needs based on what others have. They should be taught to appreciate that whatever they have or don’t have is orchestrated from Heaven specifically for them.
We see this concept clearly in the blessing we recite every morning, “she’asah li kol tzarki,” thanking Hashem for providing us with all our needs. At first glance, one may wonder about this blessing. If you would ask a group of people if they have all their needs, such as money, clothing, and a nice house, many will respond that they don’t. If that is the case, how can they honestly recite this blessing daily?
Our Unique Mission
The answer is that each person has an individual mission in this world, and Hashem provides him with precisely what he needs to accomplish it, no more and no less. Therefore, if someone lacks certain things, it’s because this is precisely the situation he needs to be in to accomplish his task. This blessing is a daily opportunity to reinforce this truth and ingrain this concept in our psyche.
This is also the explanation given for the mitzvah of “lo sachmod — do not desire what others have.” When a person lives with the reality that everything is specifically earmarked for each individual, he will realize that what others have will not benefit him at all, and the desire to have what others have will dissipate. Armed with the clarity that whatever one has— or doesn’t have — is Divinely customized for his individualized mission, a person will find it much easier to be happy with his lot, with no need for what others have.
In Short:
Show your children all the good things they have, and if necessary compensate with other, affordable things. You can teach the older ones that each person has exactly what Hashem has given them and what others have will not benefit them. This will help them to live their lives content with what they have.
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