Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
There is someone in my life whom I am constantly helping, but he never makes any effort to help himself. How do I deal with this situation? How can I help him become more self-sufficient?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
It is difficult to give a complete answer to this question, because the right approach depends on the circumstances of each situation.
Identify the Root of the Problem
The first thing to consider is why the person is acting this way. This kind of behavior is not normal. Most people want to be independent and don’t want to feel like a nebach, a pitiful person who cannot manage on his own. So, if someone does behave this way, there must be a reason. It might be a lack of confidence in his abilities, or he might have been spoiled in his upbringing and never learned how to take care of things. Identifying the root of the problem is essential, because your response should be tailored to address it.
What is Your Relationship?
Another consideration is your relationship with the person. The way you address this issue will be very different if it is your child, a relative, or a friend.
Practical Strategies
However, there are some strategies that can help in any situation.
Encourage Independence
You can start by explaining to him the value of being independent and self-sufficient.
Get Him Involved
Then, try to gradually involve him in taking care of his own needs. You could begin by having him join you when you are doing things for him. Get him to “help you help him.” For example, if you are going to the store for him, instead of having him sit on the couch while you handle everything, invite him to come with you, and shop together. He does not have to complete entire tasks on his own yet, but he should at least be actively involved in addressing his own needs.
Highlight His Strengths
Additionally, whenever he does take action on his own, make a point to notice and compliment him. This is especially important if he lacks confidence in his abilities. Highlight his strengths and tell him when he does something well. Recognizing his successes in this way can give him the confidence to try new things independently.
In Short
To fully address this, you need to understand the cause of his behavior and consider your relationship with him. In general, a good first step is to have him join you when you help him, and to compliment and encourage him whenever he does something well.
Written by Rabbi Aaron Shapiro
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