Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
My parents are constantly negative, critical, and full of complaints. I know it’s a mitzvah to honor them, but every time I speak to them or visit, it is very painful. What should I do?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
A Common but Painful Struggle
This is a very difficult question—and unfortunately one that is not uncommon. Many people today struggle with complicated, often painful relationships with their parents.
Start with Self-Reflection
The truth is, the issue isn’t always with the parents. At times, it’s the children who are the source of problems within the relationship. Before focusing on how to “deal” with your parents, take a step back and make an honest assessment. Are you contributing to the tension in any way? Is there something you can change or improve from your end?
The Weight of the Mitzvah
That said, even if you are doing nothing wrong, and it’s your parents who are the source of the problem, you still need to be extremely careful not to respond in a disrespectful way. The mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’Eim—honoring one’s parents—is very great, and one must go to great lengths to fulfill it.
Powerful Stories from Our Sages
Indeed, the Gemara (Kiddushin 31b) tells us that Rabbi Tarfon was exemplary in this mitzvah, and would even crouch down when his mother needed to get into or out of bed, so that she could step on him. But when he later related this to the other sages, they were not impressed. They told him: “You haven’t even reached half the obligation. Has she ever thrown your wallet into the sea and you refrained from shaming her?” Even that level of restraint is part of the mitzvah!
Furthermore, the Gemara (ibid 31a) recounts that Rav Dimi was once sitting among the Roman nobility, dressed in an elegant gold-embroidered cloak, when his mother suddenly came over, ripped the cloak off him, struck him on the head, and spat in his face. Still, he did not shame her in return.
Respond with Restraint
So as difficult as it is, you must bite your tongue and resist the urge to respond harshly or disrespectfully to your parents. Remember this fundamental truth: they brought you into this world. Even if they did nothing else for you, without them you would not be here, and that alone commands your respect and gratitude, regardless of their flaws or behavior. Moreover, in most cases, they endured a lot while raising you, and you should think about all the challenges, frustrations, and headaches that come along with raising children. Now it’s your turn to give back, and do what you have to do by honoring them, even if it hurts.
A Higher Perspective
It’s also helpful to remember the message of the Sefer HaChinuch regarding bearing grudges: that everything a person experiences—good or bad, including emotional pain—comes from Hashem, and the one who causes the hurt is merely His messenger. This perspective can make it easier to accept the difficulties you face with your parents, and to continue honoring them without becoming overwhelmed by their negativity.
Reward According to the Struggle
Finally, we must also remember (Avot 5:23) “Lefum tza’ara agra—reward is according to the pain.” The more difficult a mitzvah is to perform, and the more we struggle and suffer to fulfill it, the greater the mitzvah is—and the greater the reward we will ultimately merit for it.
When Distance Is the Right Choice
However, if the situation feels unmanageable and you are having a hard time controlling yourself, it may be appropriate—following guidance from a halachic authority—to create some distance by limiting visits or conversations. Constantly clashing and repeatedly violating the mitzvah benefits no one. Choosing to step back in this way is a responsible and Torah-guided response. The Torah does not want us to throw ourselves into spiritual danger and simply hope we’ll manage, but rather to safeguard our spiritual well-being in the best way possible.
In Short: Respect, Even When It Hurts
You must always show respect. Remember what your parents did for you—bringing you into the world and raising you. If necessary, with halachic guidance you can limit your interaction.
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