Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
I’m planning to remarry, but when I shared the news with my children, they expressed reservations. What is the Jewish view on remarriage with children who disapprove? Do I need to take their concerns into account and seek their approval? And if they don’t approve, are they still expected to respect my new spouse?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
Remarriage in Halacha: A Torah Ideal
The Torah ideal is to remarry. For a man, there is a Torah commandment of pru u’rvu—to have children, which the Sages define as at least a son and a daughter. And even for one who has already fulfilled this obligation, there remains a mitzvah to continue having children.
Furthermore, Chazal teach in Yevamot 62b that an unmarried man is profoundly lacking, stating:
“Anyone without a wife is without happiness, without blessing, without goodness, without Torah, without protection, and without peace.”
Yevamot 62b
And while a woman is not commanded to have children, she too is considered lacking when single. It is ideal for her to remarry as well. Given this, it is certainly not appropriate for children to object to the idea of their parent remarrying.
Do You Need Your Children’s Approval?
Even if your children’s objections are about your specific choice of spouse, you still don’t need their approval.
If you like him, and believe he is a suitable match and someone who possesses the virtues necessary to build a Torah home together, their opinion need not influence your decision.
Of course, you can hear them out and consider whether their concerns about his suitability are legitimate. That said, if after careful reflection you are confident that he is indeed the right spouse for you, the ultimate decision is yours—not theirs. On the contrary, they should respect your decision and support you.
Emotional Resistance: What’s Behind Their Objections?
Often, children’s objections to a parent’s choice of spouse are not truly about the person themselves, even if that’s how it seems.
Rather, these objections may stem from a deep-seated fear that he or she is, in some way, replacing their father or mother—or competing with them emotionally. These feelings won’t disappear overnight.
It will take time for them to process their emotions and adjust to the new relationship. But with time, and with Hashem’s help, they will likely come to accept your choice—especially if he embodies the virtues you see in him, and you build a Torah-centered home together.
Halachic Obligation to Respect a Stepparent
However, regardless of how they feel, once you are married, they are required to respect your spouse.
The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:21) rules that included in the commandment to honor parents is the obligation to honor a stepparent, as long as he or she is married to one’s parent.
When the Situation Is More Complex
While ideally, parents should base their decision on their own feelings, there may be situations where the dynamics are more complicated.
This is especially true if there are young children still living at home who are unwilling to accept the new stepparent. In such cases, the friction could lead to ongoing conflict and emotional strain.
When this happens, a competent rabbi who is familiar with the situation and can assess it properly will need to be involved to offer guidance tailored to the family’s unique needs.
In Short
Regarding the Jewish view on remarriage with children, it is the Torah ideal to remarry.
While you can consider their input about your specific choice, the decision is yours alone. Once you are married, they are obligated to honor a stepparent. Hopefully, over time they will come around and appreciate your decision.
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