Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
I am Sephardic, and in our home we light only one menorah for the whole family. But I send my son to an Ashkenazic school, and he just came home with the menorah he made, all excited to light it on Chanukah. How should I handle this so that we keep our family’s practice without taking away his excitement for the mitzvah?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
This is a real challenge. On the one hand, you want to educate your children in accordance with the halachic norms of your family, but at the same time, a key part of chinuch (education) is inspiring in them a genuine love and enthusiasm for mitzvot, and you don’t want to risk stifling that.
One idea is to have him light one of the additional candles on the family menorah. While some of his excitement may have been to light his own menorah, you can help him feel excited about being part of the family’s lighting. Explain that according to Sephardic practice the mitzvah is done together as a close-knit family, and he is an important part of that.
Use The Shamash
This will not work on the first night, since the first candle should be lit by an adult. However, as many Sephardic poskim (major rabbinic authorities) rule, on the later nights he can light one of the additional candles. Or have him light the shamash, the candle used to light the menorah with, which will work even on the first night.
Additionally, you can offset some of that disappointment with a special present, something larger than you would usually give. But don’t wait until the last minute. You don’t want to build up his excitement only for him to be told right before that he cannot light.
It Starts Before
Sit down with him beforehand and explain that in our family we light only one menorah. Help him feel proud of his heritage, and tell him about the many advantages he will have being Sephardic, that will make his Ashkenazic friends jealous of him.
And then when Chanukah comes you can give him this nice gift. This could help ensure that he won’t feel so bad and will retain positive feelings toward the mitzvah.
If you think these ideas won’t placate your son, and he will still be really disappointed, many Sephardic poskim rule that you can let him light his own menorah, and even allow him to recite a bracha (blessing). At the moment this is what he needs, and you can teach him about Sephardic practices and traditions when he gets a little older and is able to digest it better. But try to do so in a way that won’t influence his Sephardic friends or siblings to want to do the same.
In Short:
Let him light one of the candles on the family menorah, or try to explain to him the significance of following Sephardic traditions, supplemented with a special gift. If these won’t work, consider letting him light his own menorah for the time being.
>> Read Oorah’s Chanukah Torah Nugget
Written by Rabbi Aaron Shapiro
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