Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
My family has a tradition to commemorate yahrtzeits (nachalot– anniversaries of death) with a seudah (meal) at a restaurant, together with friends. But it has become very expensive, causing tension with my wife, who wants to stop. At the same time, I’m concerned that stopping would be disrespectful to my parents’ memory. What should I do?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
Shalom Bayit Comes First
In this situation, shalom bayit (family peace) takes priority. There are far more meaningful ways to honor and elevate your parents’ souls, ones that don’t involve costly restaurant meals. You can learn Torah and do mitzvot in their merit, say Kaddish in shul, and light a yahrtzeit candle.
The Original Meaning of a Nachalah Observance
In fact, your family’s custom of hosting a meal may itself have its origins in Torah study. Today, in many shuls (synagogues), people mark a yahrtzeit by serving cake and whiskey after davening. Historically however, the earliest known custom observed on a yahrtzeit was actually fasting (see Rema, Yoreh Deah 402:12). The day of passing is considered a time of judgment for the neshamah, and any mitzvot or Torah study performed by the children on that day serve as a merit for the deceased. It is also seen as a day of bad mazal (loosely – luck) for the family, a time that calls for fasting and teshuvah.
From Fasting to Feasting: How the Custom Changed
So how did we go from fasting to cake and whiskey?
Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky once explained how this shift likely took place. We find a precedent in the case of Ta’anit Bechorot—the fast of the firstborn on Erev Pesach (Passover Eve). There, a widespread minhag developed to have someone make a siyum, followed by a seudat mitzvah (meal celebration the fulfillment of a mitzvah) that exempts participants from fasting (see Mishnah Berurah 470:10).
A similar pattern developed with yahrtzeits. Originally, people fasted, but as fasting became more difficult, it was replaced by a siyum and seudat mitzvah. Eventually, however, the siyum was forgotten, and all that remained was the food—cake and whiskey in many shuls, or in your case, a meal in a restaurant. So in truth, spending time learning Torah would be far more faithful to your family’s original custom than going out to eat.
Do We Need Extra Brachot?
Some contend that serving food on a yahrtzeit is important because it generates brachot (blessings), resulting in extra merit for the deceased. But it is unnecessary to go out of our way to create extra brachot. Once, when we were set to recite Birchat Hachamah—the bracha recited once every 28 years when one sees the sun return to its original position of Creation—the sky in Baltimore, where I was in yeshivah (Talmudical school) at the time, was overcast. Some people, determined to make the brachah, booked a flight to fly above the clouds and catch a glimpse of the sun. Upon hearing this, my rebbi, Rabbi Dovid Kronglas, responded, “If you wish to recite a brachah, go to the bathroom and when you come out say Asher Yatzar (blessing said after using the restroom).”
Everyday Blessings as a True Merit
His message was clear: we don’t need to invent creative ways to accumulate blessings. Life provides plenty of natural opportunities. On a nachalah, every regular brachah you make—on food, after using the bathroom, or during davening—can be said with special intent, and that alone can serve as a tremendous merit for the niftar (deceased). You don’t need elaborate meals to make blessings. All that money, whether spent renting a plane or on a restaurant, would be far better used for a mitzvah such as giving tzedakah.
A Special Case: Nachalot of Great Tzaddikim
There is one notable exception: yahrtzeits of great rabbis. We are not worried about their judgment—we’re confident they will pass with flying colors. On the contrary, their passing is an appropriate time to celebrate their lives and achievements. The Midrash (Kohelet Rabbah 7:1) offers an analogy: when a ship sets out to sea, no one knows how it will fare, and it would be premature to celebrate. But when it returns safely to port, its mission complete, that is the time for rejoicing. So too, when a person is born, who knows how his life will turn out? But if he dies a tzaddik (righteous person), then we can truly celebrate his life.
The Bottom Line
In short: Instead of an expensive meal, you should remember your parents and elevate their souls through the study of Torah, good deeds, and tzedakah.
Written by Rabbi Aaron Shapiro
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