A Practical Guide For Families
By Dr. Meir Wikler
What Is Time Anyways?
It is practically impossible for adults to imagine what a toddler experiences in a world almost devoid of language. As adults, we communicate all of our ideas, feelings, and information through language. Without fluency in language, a small child experiences the world as an unstructured, confusing, and unintelligible place. Parents try to establish structure for children. Imposing order and routine help greatly in all of the many tasks parents need to manage for and with their children. But as much as these routines help the parents, they help the children even more. While young children may resist structure when it is initially imposed, they nevertheless welcome the predictability and order it brings to their otherwise random lives. Structure gives children a feeling of reassurance which supports and encourages their growth and development.
Shabbos! Highlight Of The Week
The most natural and common structures parents provide for their children are the routines of family life. Mealtimes, nap-times, and bedtimes anchor the child’s day in a way which is vital to a child’s sense of security. One of the most valuable routines for children is the weekly observance of Shabbos (Shabbat). An understanding of the benefits that Shabbos offers to small children can help us to appreciate the advantages of establishing other structures in their tender years.
Just as Shabbos can be divided into stages and phases which may differ in degree, theme, mood or intensity, Erev Shabbos (Friday) also has its own subdivisions. Perhaps the best known and most respected (and feared) stage of Erev Shabbos is the final stage, ushered in with those familiar words, often uttered in shrill tones of urgency: “It’s almost Shabbos!” From that signal until the onset of Shabbos, the pace of preparations picks up steadily and the sun seems to descend more rapidly; voices are sometimes raised and expectations for what can still be accomplished before Shabbos are sharply reduced.
Frantic Preparations
During one such Erev Shabbos finale, my family and I began our usual race against the clock. Everyone over the age of 4 was automatically conscripted into compulsory Shabbos preparation and everyone’s leisurely weekday gait was replaced by a more frantic pace. In the midst of this flurry of activity, my then 3-year old son, Yeshaya, rushed up to me and demanded to know, “It’s Shabbos now?” “No. But it’s almost Shabbos!” I answered as I flew by. I was down the hall by the time I completed the sentence. A short while later, Yeshaya repeated his question and received a similar reply, a few decibels louder.
What I had neither the time nor the patience to realize then was that my son was feeling totally swept up in the family’s collective anticipation of Shabbos. Freed from the concerns of responsibility, he was able to experience this anticipation with unadulterated glee. His excitement was marred only by his undeveloped, 3-year-old’s awareness of time. He was frustrated by his inability to discern just how much longer it was until Shabbos. So Yeshaya took what must have been an enormous risk —considering my volatile emotional state at the time — and he approached me again a few minutes later. “Tatty, Tatty,” he pleaded desperately, “when is it Shabbos?!” “Soon, very soon!” came my wholly inadequate reply.
Minutes, Days, Months Or Years?
A lengthy diatribe was prevented only by the lateness of the hour. Later on that evening when the commotion of the Erev Shabbos finale had been replaced by the serenity of the Shabbos table, I began to reflect on the implications of my hallway encounter with Yeshaya. In adult terminology, the proper answer to his third question would have been, “Approximately 37 minutes.” But to a 3-year old, 37 minutes means about the same time as “37 months” or “37miles.” Three-year-olds are simply not able to comprehend time or distance in quantifiable, adult terms.
Most of us cannot even imagine what life would be like without an awareness of time, a perception which we take for granted. Of course, in a spiritual sense, there is no limit to the sensitivity to time an adult can achieve through prolonged and diligent Torah study and observance. But since the most elementary level of grasping the concepts of minutes, hours, and weeks usually comes in the fourth or fifth year of life, most adults cannot remember what life was like before these fundamental lessons were learned.
The Never Ending Ride
Just try to imagine a trip by car to a beloved relative whom you have not seen in many years. Your preparation for the trip is effortless, as you are buoyed along by your eager anticipation of the long-awaited reunion. Once you are finally on the road, you follow the travel directions with the precision of a watchmaker. “Take Interstate 91, north to Route 86, east,” you repeat to yourself as your car gobbles up the miles. After 20 or so miles you begin to wonder, “How many miles on 91 is it until we hit 86?” After a half-hour, you wonder out loud. “The directions don’t say,” comes the helper’s reply.
After an hour, everyone begins to wonder if Route 86 was passed, and accusations for not being more observant are now exchanged between the driver and passengers. After two hours on Interstate 91, without the aid of maps or the reassurance of a gas-station attendant, you would probably begin to experience the same frustration of uncertainty that 3-year-old children live with every day.
Reassurances of, “You can have the candy in an hour”, “Mommy is coming back at 2:30”, or “Bubbie (grandmother) and Zaidie (gradfather) will be here on Tuesday” are as useless to a 3-year-old as a sextant would be to a lost motorist. Small children never really know what to expect or when to expect it — but don’t be fooled by their apparent calm. They are constantly groping, struggling, and searching for any clues that can help them order, structure, and comprehend their somewhat chaotic worlds, lives devoid of an awareness of time.
Create Maximum Structure
Their thirst and yearning for structure, order, and predictability are familiar to anyone who has experienced the joy of playing with preschool children. The games they enjoy most are always those that involve an inordinate amount of repetition. While this may bore an adult, it offers an oasis of security, stability, and reassurance for the very young child. In short, small children look for any recognizable order in life which they can use to orient themselves in a world of time, until they develop their own awareness of the units of time.
“No, Mommy! I wanted the milk before the chocolate!” a 3-year-old will complain. “What’s the difference?” Mother protests. But her child cannot possibly explain that the routine of milk first and chocolate second provides a tiny source of security to a 3-year-old. Robbing a child of that security would be tantamount to stripping a prisoner of his calendar and wrist watch. Just as that prisoner would pay greater attention to the setting of the sun or the changing of the guards, so too small children become preoccupied and seemingly obsessed with routine and repetition. So how can parents assist young children in their struggle to bring order to their lives?
Anchor A Child’s Life
The best way is to provide and impose structure, limits, and routine — all within reason, of course. One of the best ways to provide that for children is with rituals. Rituals are so important for children that, in addition to religiously meaningful rituals taught to them by their parents, children often create their own rituals. Milk first and chocolate second, a drink of water before going to sleep, or avoiding cracks in the sidewalk are some typical examples of childrens’ rituals.
Thus, the repetitive daily mitzvos (commandments) – berachos (blessings), negal vasser (washing hands in the morning), and krias shema (reading of shema), for instance, provide children with invaluable signposts which help them navigate through the world of time without a mature awareness of time. Even before reaching the age of chinuch (education) according to any halachic opinion, observing and imitating their parents’ performance of daily mitzvos can give small children many anchors to balance themselves in the waves of temporal confusion.
Perhaps the greatest temporal anchor, for people of all ages, is Shabbos. That island of tranquility and sanctity provides reassurance and hope to adults as well as children. As the humorous bumper sticker proclaims, “Hang in there: Shabbos is coming!” One day passes like another to a small child who has not yet learned the meaning of “Monday” and “Tuesday”. But Shabbos is so unmistakably unique that even preschool children can recognize its presence.
A Wonderful Reminder
When Yeshaya’s older sister, Sarah, was 3 years old, she overheard a discussion of a plan to spend Shabbos with Bubbie and Zaidie. “When are we going?” she asked with unabashed excitement. “Not for another two weeks” came the reply. “But I mean, how long until we go?” she persisted, showing me how much off target my answer had been. “Not this next Shabbos, but the Shabbos after that” I explained, trying a different tack. “You mean in two Shabboses?” Sarah asked, to confirm the date. “Yes” I explained, “we’ll be going to Bubbie and Zaidie in two Shabboses.” Sarah walked off with a perturbed look, shaking her head, as if to say, “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place!?”
I had learned my lesson. I learned that well before children understand the meaning of days and weeks, they can grasp the difference between weekday and Shabbos. It is a distinction which can help them, on their level, with their developmental needs.
So, returning to that Erev Shabbos finale described above, when Yeshaya looked up at me as my wife lit Shabbos candles, and he asked with confidence in his voice and a smile on his lips, “Now it’s Shabbos; right, Tatty?” I learned my lesson all over again.
By Dr. Meir Wikler
About the Author
Dr. Meir Wikler is a psychotherapist and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Lakewood, N.J. and Brooklyn, N.Y. He has published over 100 articles in various clinical journals as well as popular periodicals such as Mishpacha Magazine, Hamodia and Yated Ne’eman. He has also written twelve books on marriage, parenting, psychotherapy and stories of hashgacha pratis (Divine providence) published by Artscroll, Feldheim, Menucha, and Hamodia Treasures/Israel Bookshop. And many of his lectures and shiurim are available at TorahAnytime.com.
