Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
I’m trying to avoid hearing lashon hara (evil talk), but one of my friends is always gossiping! Also, whenever I go to a social event, or even just a Shabbat meal together with friends, the conversation inevitably turns to gossip. I don’t want to create tension or damage friendships—but I also don’t want to just sit there and listen. What can I do?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
There are no simple solutions in these situations, but there are a few strategies that may help.
Even Listening Is Forbidden
Before we start, it’s important to realize that not only is speaking or accepting lashon hara forbidden, but as the Chofetz Chaim teaches (Hilchot Lashon Hara 6:2), in most situations, even passively listening to it is prohibited.
How to Avoid Gossip with a Friend
When it comes to a friend, the best thing you can do is to make him your TorahMate and learn the Chofetz Chaim’s books on lashon hara together. He presents the laws of lashon hara, as well as the dangers and harm that come with speaking it, in a clear and compelling way.
If your friend is not ready for that type of study, you can still—kindly and gently—explain to him that we can’t gossip. Every Jew knows the principle “Love your fellow as yourself,” and since no one wants to be the subject of gossip, he shouldn’t be gossiping about others.
All Jews are children of Hashem, making us like one large family. Just as we wouldn’t speak badly about our own family, we shouldn’t speak lashon hara about our fellow Jews. It’s very likely that, instead of being offended, your friend will appreciate the idea and respond positively.
Strategies for Social Events
Social gatherings pose a greater challenge, as it becomes harder to influence the situation when more people are involved. The Chofetz Chaim’s approach in these situations was to do a lot of the talking, taking control of the conversation so that there was no opportunity for any lashon hara to be spoken.
You can try a similar approach—steer the conversation away from gossip by changing the topic, putting on music, or encouraging someone to say a few words of Torah. At the Shabbat table, you can interrupt the gossip by singing zemirot (Shabbat meal songs), and make sure to come prepared with engaging topics to keep the conversation positive.
When Steering Doesn’t Work
If this isn’t possible, say in a kind way that gossiping is prohibited, and encourage shifting the conversation to more uplifting topics instead. Hopefully, people will be receptive, but even if you get some laughs or remarks like “stop being so religious,” remember, our rabbis teach us that performing a mitzvah in the face of mockery brings a hundred times more reward than an ordinary mitzvah.
In fact, the very first Rema in Orach Chaim teaches that a person should not be embarrassed by those who ridicule him for serving Hashem.
Hosting Gives You Control
It’s much easier to manage when you’re the host—it’s your event and you set the tone: “at this party, we don’t gossip.” But even as a guest you’re not powerless. Even if you can’t control the conversation, you can still subtly show your discomfort.
You might quietly excuse yourself and step out of the room. Or consider mentioning to the host, in a respectful way, that if the gatherings involve so much gossip, you won’t be able to continue attending. This may encourage the host to take a stronger stance.
In Short: How to Avoid Gossip Effectively
Try learning the laws of lashon hara with your friend. If that’s not realistic, gently remind him that we must love our fellow Jew and not speak badly about anyone.
At social events, try to steer the conversation to a better topic, encourage people not to gossip, and show your disapproval if they continue.
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