Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz:
Someone is asking me information about a boy for a shidduch. (What is a shidduch?) I know some unfavorable things about him and want to be truthful, but at the same time, sharing what I know could ruin the shidduch. What should I do?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds
This is a delicate situation, and it really depends on what type of information it is.
Extremely Bad
There are situations where sharing the information isn’t just permitted but required. For instance, if you are aware of serious faults or behaviors that are uncommon and would almost certainly put a stop to the shidduch and ruin a marriage – such as violence, cruelty, or other destructive traits. The same applies to an issue that is not as serious, yet you know this party would be extremely disturbed by it and would not move forward.
The Torah warns us, “Lo sa’amod al dam rei’echa“: do not stand by your fellow’s blood (Vayikra 19:16). This obligation applies not only to physical danger but to monetary or emotional danger as well (see Chofetz Chaim, Hilchos Rechilus 9:1). Just as it would be sinful to watch someone about to fall into a deep pit and say nothing, so too, withholding this information from a potential spouse would be sinful.
Normal Imperfections
But these situations are rare. More often, a person simply has ordinary faults or imperfections. Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws, and every spouse brings his or her own shortcomings into a marriage. As long as the faults are within the norm, these are not things that should be disclosed. If you believe the couple can get along despite them, and these faults are unlikely to seriously disrupt the marriage, you should not reveal them. Even if they might occasionally upset the partner, this is normal; every marriage experiences moments of tension.
Leave It To Them
There is a middle ground of concerns that are significant but not universally deal breaking. For example, certain illnesses or character traits may be a deal breaker for some, but not for others. In such situations, the person considering the match has a right to know this information and make his own decision. However, the primary responsibility to disclose these matters lies with the person who has the issue, and in most cases, you can rely on them to be forthcoming.
Wait A Little
Nonetheless, such matters shouldn’t necessarily be revealed right away, either by the boy or girl themselves or by a third party. If someone hears about a concern too early, the tendency is to think, “Why bother?” and never even give the shidduch a chance. But once they’ve had the opportunity to get to know the other person and see their good qualities, they can consider the concern in the context of the whole person, and may realize it’s something they can work with. For this reason, Rabbis generally recommend waiting until around the third date, once both people have had the opportunity to get a fuller sense of each other before revealing such issues.
Now It’s Yours To Say
But if it seems they might try to hide it, or if it involves a character trait they are not even aware of, then it becomes your responsibility to share this information, and since you will not necessarily be kept abreast of the progress, you will have to reveal it immediately.
These situations are very nuanced, and it can be difficult to determine exactly where a concern falls. For this reason, anyone facing a question like this should seek guidance from their Rabbi before responding. In fact, it would be wise to do so even before a phone call arrives inquiring about a potential match, so you’re prepared to handle the conversation thoughtfully and appropriately.
In Short:
Issues that will almost certainly ruin a marriage must be disclosed immediately. Normal flaws shouldn’t be shared. Middle-ground concerns should only be disclosed if the person himself will not reveal them. Consult your rabbi to determine which category a particular concern falls under.
Written by Rabbi Aaron Shapiro
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