This week’s Torah portion begins with the words “vayeitzei Yaakov,” which means, “Jacob went out.” This is most appropriate because in this week’s parsha, Yaakov will get married- and how else can a person get married if they don’t go out?!

This calls for some jokes about dating and marriage…

Many people like to go out with people from other countries. For this purpose, there is a number that you can call that will give you ideas of people from around the world. Can you guess what this number is called?


On that subject*…

What do you call somebody that marries a person from Czechoslovakia?


What do you call a person from Iceland that marries a Cuban?


And finally…

How many shidduchim (matches) does a person have to arrange to be considered a shadchan (matchmaker)?


*Disclaimer: no offense meant to people of any nationality or ethnicity.

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  • mnk

    Your jokes like most modern “jew” jokes are not funny and in disgusting taste. There are 6 million murdered Jews who can testify to that. There another million or so who can testify to the same … Those murdered, raped, ravaged, beaten, burned alive, etc. over the years. The murder continues to this day. Your humor is not the same as the stories of Chelm….you kids don’t have the wits nor the experience of the past–near and far.

  • anynomous

    Another joke on this weeks Paharsah why did Yakov establish the prayer of Mariv ?because he had 12 children to put to bed so he had to leave the house

  • Richard Becker

    This duck was walking down the street to go to
    the market. At the first market he came to, he walked in
    and asked the owner, “Do you have any grapes?” The
    owner said, “No. I don’t have any grapes.” The duck
    said “Okay,” and left.
    Fifteen minutes later, the duck came back into
    the store and asked the owner, “Do you have any
    grapes?” The owner replied, “I already told you, I
    don’t have any grapes!” The duck said “Okay,” and left.
    Another fifteen minutes went by and the duck came
    back to the store and asked the owner, “Do you have
    any grapes?” The owner, totally irritated by now
    said, “Look, I told you two times, I don’t have any
    grapes. If you ask me again, I’m going to nail those
    web feet to the floor!” The duck said “Okay,” and left.
    Twenty minutes later, the duck came back to the
    store and asked the owner, “Do you have any nails?”
    The owner said, “No, I don’t have any nails!” The
    duck replied, “Good, do you have any grapes?”

  • Isroel Akerman

    Kiruv joke form this week’s Parsha:
    – Rabbi! Does it say anywhere in the Torah that you need to cover your head?
    – Of course! It says in the Torah “vayeitzei Yaakov mi Beer-Sheva”! What do you think – he is gonna travel thru the desert and not cover his head?

  • barbara strudler

    Here’s joke on Parshas Vayeitzei:

    How do we know that Rachel Imenu could speak with animals?

    Answer: Rachel ba’a im hatzon.

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