Hachnasat Orchim The Right Way
(Avot 1:5) “יוֹסֵי בֶּן יוֹחָנָן אִיש יְרּוׁשָלַיִם אוֹמֵר, יְהִי בֵיתך פָתּוח לִרְוָחָהֶָּך, וְיִהְיו עֲנִיִים בְנֵי בֵית”
“Yose Ben Yochanan says: Your house should be open wide, and the poor should be members of household.”
The instruction of the above Mishnah — that our house should be “open wide” — is not necessarily limited to a physical sense, and includes a conceptual one as well. A person’s house should be wide, meaning that people should clearly perceive that a generous and inviting spirit emanates from this home.
When There’s Room In The Heart…
Sometimes, you see a person’s humble abode, and it’s hard to imagine that there’s room inside for his nice-sized family, let alone guests. Yet, people are constantly streaming in and out at all hours of the day and night. People are seen leaving this house smiling ear to ear, as the host is heard calling out: “Come back soon!” This is a wide home; very inviting.
Then there is the mansion. There are more bathrooms than family members. Every blade of grass is cut to perfection. The doormat looks as crisp as the day they bought it – even though it’s been there for ten years. This is a very narrow, uninviting home. Simply putting out a welcome mat is surely not enough.
Imagine your neighbor knocks on the door, and you look through the peephole and ask: “What’s the problem?” Not very welcoming. Or worse: You look through the peephole and say nothing — even while plenty of noise can be heard from inside the house, and all the fancy family cars are parked in the driveway. The person knocking gets the message loud and clear: “Not interested.”
In truth, there is an even bigger problem. The people inside the house — your wife, your children — also get the message. They get the message even louder than your neighbor, and more clearly: While the actual house may be large and showy, they are really living in a small, narrow home.
And so it is that the Mishnah contains an important lesson not only in the area of chessed (kindness) and hachnasat orchim (hospitality), but in the realm of chinuch (education), as well.
Practicing And Modeling Hachnasat Orchim
The first part of the Mishnah — “Let your house be open wide” – teaches us, as we have seen, that we have to make our home an inviting place for visitors. The next phrase in the Mishnah – ”And let the poor be members of your household” — teaches us how to treat them once they enter. It does not say that they should be like the members of your household, but rather, “and let the poor be members of your household” — they should be made to feel as comfortable as an actual family member.
Now, this presents a precious opportunity; but it seems like a tall order. How indeed does a person develop the proper mindset to reach this level?
Our Main Priority
It may very well be that the Mishnah itself hints to the answer. The word “עֲניים” (poor) contains the same letters as the word “עֵינַים” – eyes. And herein lies the key.
A person has to realize that the way he treats this עֲני (poor person) is being seen and observed by “בְנֵי בֵיתֶָך” (the members of your household). When the ani (poor person) knocks on the door, all eyes are on the ba’al ha’bayit (master of the house) — his wife and children are observing how he handles the situation, and how he behaves towards the ani (poor person). And so it emerges that every knock on the door is an opportunity to showcase the teaching of the Mishnah, and demonstrate to our family that we live in a “wide” house.
The bottom line, then, is that educating our children properly is a priority for a parent; and educating them in chessed (kindness) is at the top of the list. Now, there are many shades of gray when it comes to the manner in which people perform kindness. Our children are very observant, and they can pick up on the subtle (and not so subtle) attitudes that we have towards chessed.
Seeking Opportunities
When an opportunity for chessed (kindness) presents itself, there are those who are reactive, and others who are proactive. Some will only help when asked, while others offer assistance when they see the need. Some people will say: “Call me if you need me, or if you need a place to stay”; and some will say: “Here are the keys to my extra apartment. The fridge is full. Stay as long as you need.” Some people wait for the pushka (charity box) to come to them, and some will go seek it out.
We find a prime example of this idea in Parshat Vayera. The beginning of the Torah portion (Bereishit, ch. 18) relates the supreme act of hospitality displayed by Avraham Avinu. It was the third and most painful day since his brit milah (circumcision); the heat of the day was unbearable for human beings; yet Avraham was sitting at the entrance of his tent, proactively and eagerly seeking guests, in order to fulfill the mitzvah (commandment) of hachnasat orchim (hospitality). Eventually, three “men” come by, but – as Rashi points out – they stand at a distance, not wanting to trouble Avraham. Upon seeing them, however, Avraham springs into immediate action. He runs to greet them, takes them into his home, and literally serves them in the grandest fashion.
Another Example
Now, a somewhat similar scenario takes place later on in the parashah (Torah portion), involving Avraham’s nephew, Lot. Two of the malachim (angels) arrive in Sedom, where they are greeted by Lot. He literally begs them to stay in his house, where he treats them to food and lodging. This episode opens with the verse):
(Bereishit 19:1) “ֵוַיָּבֹאו שְני הַמַלְאָּכִים סְדֹמָּה בָּעֶרֶב וְלֹוט יֹשֵב בְשַעַר סְדֹם וַיַרְּא לֹוט וַיָּקָּם לִקְרָּאתָּם”
“And the two angels came to Sedom in the evening, and Lot was sitting by the gate of Sedom; and Lot saw, and he arose to greet them.”
Rashi comments on this verse:
“מִבֵית אַבְרָּהָּם לָּמַד לַחְזֹור עַל הַאֹורְחִים”
“It was from the house of Avraham that he learned to search out guests.”
It seems that Rashi learns this from the words “וַיַרְּא לֹוט” – “And Lot saw,” which appear to be extra. (Indeed, the Be’er Ba’sadeh states that this was Rashi’s derivation.) Rashi understands that “וַיַרְּא” (and he saw) refers to what Lot saw and observed in Avraham’s house: how he aggressively sought out guests, brought them into his house, and treated them royally.
Avraham Avinu, the king of chessed (kindness), surely understood his responsibility to be mechaneich (educate) the members of his household — including his nephew. And he knew that the best place for him to learn this lesson was from the house. Avraham realized that Lot was watching him; and as we see, this lesson in chessed (kindness) was well absorbed by Lot.
Future Rosh Yeshivahs
Many years ago, my dear friend, Rabbi Aryeh Adler and I, were running a summer learning-program for boys in the Swan Lake Hotel. We were privileged to arrange that R’ Shlomo Rothenberg zt”l (may his memory be for a blessing), the Rosh Yeshivah (head of yeshiva) of Mountaindale and a true adam gadol (great person), would join us one evening. R’ Rothenberg’s reputation as a educator par-excellénce was legendary – as was his athletic ability. As was his way, we first went to the gym where he played basketball with the boys. (His performance was truly impressive.) We then made our way to the beit medrash (study hall), where he spoke to the boys about their future. R’ Rothenberg told them in a convincing tone that, one day, they were all going to be roshei yeshivos (heads of yeshivas).
Now, the boys were indeed beautiful b’nei Torah; but upon hearing this, they had an incredulous look on their faces (as did I). Seeing their facial expressions, R’ Rothenberg began to explain: “One day, b’ezrat Hashem (with God’s help), you will get married and be blessed with a family. It will be a Friday night, and the children will be sitting around the table enjoying the Shabbat se’udah (Sabbath meal). You will be sitting at the head of the table, with all eyes and ears waiting to hear what you have to say. You will have the opportunity to encourage, guide, and influence the next generation. Each one of you is going to be the rosh yeshivah of your family.”
Own Your Household
R’ Rothenberg was delivering a powerful message: You are in charge of your bayit (household); and everything you say and do is processed by your family. When Lot observed Avraham, he didn’t just observe him when the guests were there. He observed Avraham before the guests came, and after they left. A person could roll out the red carpet for his guest, treat him like a king, and make him feel like he’s on top of the world. But so much of the beauty can be lost with comments like: “I hope he doesn’t stay long” or, “Remind me never to do something crazy like this again.” We may think we’re mumbling to ourselves, but the message to our children is loud and clear: “We don’t live in a ‘big’ house.”
Parents are responsible for their children – something that Yosef HaTzadik surely understood. As we discussed elsewhere, there was only one time – despite the many harrowing trials and travails he had to go through – that Yosef was ever truly bothered. The only time the Torah states “וַיֵרַע בְעֵינָּיו” – “And it was bad in his eyes” – in connection with Yosef is when Ya’akov (Jacob) was blessing Yosef’s sons, and he switched his hands.
(Bereishit 48:17) “וַיַרְא יֹוסֵף כִי יָּשִית אָּבִיו יַד יְמִינ ועַל רֹאש אֶפְרַיִם וַיֵרַעִּ בְּעֵינָיו”
“Yosef saw that his father was placing his right hand on Ephraim’s head, and it was bad in his eyes.”
We explained that the reason Yosef was so upset wasn’t simply because his plan – for Menasheh, the bechor (firstborn), to be blessed with the right hand was thwarted. It was because he thought that Ya’akov was delivering a sobering message: namely, that Yosef had failed in his chinuch (education) efforts. Ya’akov later reassured Yosef that that was not at all the case. But at the time, it was the thought that he may not have given his sons a proper chinuch (education) – and may have possibly damaged the future of Klal Yisrael (the Jewish people) – that left him feeling so distraught.
Parent’s Obligation
For Yosef was aware of his responsibility as a parent. He was also well aware of his obligation to raise his children, not in a big fancy palace, but in a household that would influence the members of his household. Indeed, every child is in the “וַיַרְּא” (and he saw) position, and every parent is being watched with the “עֵינַים” (eyes) of “בְּנֵיִּ בֵיתֶָך” (the members of your household). Sometimes, we have to imagine that life is like a one-way mirror. Even though we might not see our children, they can see us. And they are watching.
By Buddy Berkowitz
