Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
How much should a child be expected to help at home? And how should that be balanced with chessed (kindness) opportunities outside the home?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
Helping at Home Is Essential
Practically…
It goes without saying that children should be helping in the home. Parents should not have to shoulder all the household responsibilities on their own, such as preparing for Shabbat and holidays and taking care of the younger children, so everyone should be pitching in.
…And for Proper Upbringing
But this goes beyond mere practicality. Helping at home is essential for a child’s proper upbringing (chinuch). A child needs to learn responsibility and understand that being part of a family means sharing in its responsibilities. This prevents children from becoming spoiled or expecting that others will always take care of their needs.
Developing the Middah of Chessed
Helping at home is also important for developing a child’s middah (character trait) of chessed. It trains him to look beyond himself and notice the needs of others, and to step out of his comfort zone and extend himself, even when doing so is inconvenient. If this trait is nurtured in children from a young age, they will likely carry it with them throughout their lives.
The Importance of Balance
While implementing these responsibilities is important, it needs to be done thoughtfully and with a careful sense of balance. Children need real responsibilities, and parents should be firm even when a child does not want to help. At the same time, children should not be overburdened beyond what they can reasonably handle. Every parent needs to sense their child’s abilities and limits. If too much is demanded and they feel pressured and stressed in the home, they may begin to avoid the home or even rebel.
Creating a Positive Atmosphere
The goal should be to find a healthy balance — getting the children to help, while fostering a happy and upbeat atmosphere in the home. Keep expectations reasonable and ensure that the experience is positive. Give them plenty of encouragement and, when they do a good job, follow up with plenty of positive feedback. When children experience helping in this way, they will feel good about contributing, and these traits will become part of their character as they grow.
Chessed Beyond the Home
While “charity begins at home,” and the primary focus of children’s help should be within the home, it’s also important to give them opportunities to assist others in the community. Have them volunteer in a local old-age home, assist a charity organization, or help a family with a newborn or special needs child. They shouldn’t grow up thinking that caring is only for close family or friends — they should develop a sense of responsibility to help all Jews, even as home remains their primary focus.
In Short
Children should help at home because parents should not have to do everything themselves and because it teaches responsibility and develops the trait of chessed. It should be done with positivity, and without a sense of feeling overburdened. While it is important for them to be given opportunities to help others, the main focus should be the home.
Written by Rabbi Aaron Shapiro
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